Losing My Religion
by Maureen Mooney
Summary: What if Chase's crisis of faith wasn't sleeping with someone else's wife? What if it was something more profound? Rebecca's lost her husband. Lost, alone and insecure, she struggles to cope as Chase battles his personal demons and his faith. Will he earn his collar and be called Father after all? Pre-House. House MD, AU.
1. Chapter 1

Robert Chase's cell phone rang. It was his mentor Father Matthew Connelly. On Chase's afternoon off when he was supposed to be studying, it had to be an emergency. "Hello?" He answered, whispering, gathering his books and laptop and packing them into his bag so he could leave the library.

"Robert, I need you. There's been a parishioner to see me about a funeral. I think it could be a learning experience for you, if you're not too busy studying."

"Absolutely, anything you need," Chase answered, thinking about his term paper on the philosophy of world religions and sighing.

"Then I'll see you soon."

"Bye Father." Chase got into his car and quickly crossed himself before beginning to pray.

_Hi God. I know we just had a chat this morning, but I could use your help. I don't know exactly what Father Connelly is expecting so I'm trusting you to guide me. I know it's all part of my training and I'll be a better servant for you afterwards but I don't even know what I'm walking in to. I know you're on my team so I can be on Yours. Amen. _

Eventually he was going to have to learn how to pray so he didn't sound like an idiot. With his prayer sent up to the almighty, Chase took a deep breath and started driving to the church. St. Michael's Cathedral was ornate and beautiful. All wood and stained glass windows, an impressively humbling holy water fountain, although the pipe organ made him feel even more humbled each weekend and Wednesday during mass. The organist had a gift from God and Chase could almost feel a prayer in the notes of the music.

In the church office, a young woman in a wheelchair sat at the table, her head bowed, while a woman was yelling. Father Connelly unsuccessfully tried to calm her down. As Chase approached, he heard a raised voice.

"This is all your fault! If you hadn't been so insistent on marrying my son, he never would have joined the Marine Corps and he wouldn't be dead now!"

"Mrs. Stone, please calm down. None of this is Rebecca's fault." Father Connelly, so calm, so stable. Chase felt like running, but he turned and entered the room anyway.

"Hello. Sorry I'm late. I'm Robert Chase, I'm a seminary student. Father Connelly called me in to come and help."

"I know who you are," Caroline Stone snapped, Chase now recognized the woman from Sunday morning mass. He'd met her son Daniel often at the library. He was always checking out books but Chase hadn't seen him recently. It must have been due to the deployment.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs. Stone. Daniel was a good man. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No. The funeral arrangements have been made, but that bitch wants my son's casket flag. I want it. I raised him. He was my son and he died because of her."

"Honey, please, stop blaming Rebecca." Mr. Stone, Peter, if Chase recalled correctly, interjected. He led his wife back to her chair.

Chase looked at the woman in the wheelchair, her lips were moving silently and he wondered why the Stones, normally good people, were so hostile towards her.

"Rebecca, is there anything I can do for you?" Chase asked, figuring the Stone's grief about Rebecca would work itself out as soon as the funeral arrangements were finished.

"May I have a glass of water, please, Father?"

"I'm not a priest yet, Rebecca, just a seminarian. But yes I can get you a glass of water."

"Thank you."

Chase returned with the water, tuning out the Stones and focusing on Rebecca. She took the glass, her hands shaking so badly she was going to spill.

"Here, let me help," Chase knelt in front of her chair and curled his fingers around hers and helped her take small sips of water. Now that he was focused on her, she looked terrible. There were dark circles under her green bloodshot eyes like she'd barely slept. Her long blond hair was sloppily pulled back into a ponytail. Dressed all in black and curled in on herself, she looked more like a child playing dress up than an adult. Her lips were cracked and looked like they had been bleeding.

_God, is this who I'm supposed to be helping? Because I don't know what to do or say other than to help her drink this water and a glass of water isn't going to bring Daniel back. _

"It is my fault you know," Rebecca said, in a whisper so soft Chase barely heard her.

"How is it your fault, Rebecca?" Chase asked, trying to remain calm and hear her rationale.

"If I didn't have Cerebral Palsy, Daniel wouldn't have joined the Marines. He enlisted to get us money. I'm on experimental treatments but my insurance won't cover them. Daniel's covered a bit and his check got us through the rest. I'm slowly improving but if it hadn't have been for me, Daniel would have become a teacher. We needed the money now though. He married me, against his parent's wishes. We fell in love, in spite of everything, and he was willing to put his dreams on hold to help me. And now he's dead."

"Rebecca, none of that is your fault. Daniel loved you enough to want to help you. You were the one he was getting books for, weren't you?"

She nodded and Chase saw the ghost of a smile. "I'm in grad school and a paralegal. I love to read but the library isn't very accessible. So Daniel would go for me. Er, well, I was in grad school. I took some time off once the news about Daniel came." She looked ashamed now. _Not good. Fix this, Chase._

"Time off is good. You need to heal."

"She needs to stand on her own two feet," Caroline practically snarled, "Look, she's got you ensnared too, just like with my son."

Peter again brought his wife back to her chair. "I think we're done here, Father Connelly."

"Yes, I suppose we are. Would any of you like to pray with me?"

The Stones walked out of the office without answering.

"I have contacts in the Marines, Rebecca. I can get you a casket flag," Father Connelly told her.

"Thank you Father."

"You're welcome. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to start organizing the funeral for Daniel. I'm sure Robert will help you outside." Father Connelly turned and walked away.

"Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been about an hour since my last confession," Rebecca whispered, bowing her head again.

"Rebecca, I'm not a priest. I can't forgive your sins, only God can. But I can pray with you. Would you like that?" Chase became very aware of the fact that his fingers were still wrapped around hers. He placed the empty water glass on the table, releasing her hand.

"Do you know the prayer of St. Francis?" she asked Chase.

"Yeah, I do."

"I'd like that one."

"Okay." Chase crossed himself, watching as Rebecca slowly mirrored his movements. "Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is sadness, joy. O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen." She recited the prayer as he did and breathed deeply afterwards.

She unlocked the brakes on her chair and gave Chase a small smile. "Thank you."

"Of course. Here. Let me get the doors for you." He stood up and opened the office door and then the door to the outside of St. Michaels.

She pushed herself down the ramp and locked her wheels again at the bus stop. Chase decided to follow her, screw the brick wall that Father Connelly told him to build between himself and his congregation. "The bus, huh?"

"I don't have a car. It saves on gas. And thanks to Social Security, I get a free bus pass."

"Let me take you home. Please?"

Rebecca looked so fragile and lost for a few seconds that Chase thought she might cry. "All right." She rolled back towards the parking lot.

Chase unlocked and opened the door to his car for her, watching, transfixed, as she transferred herself from her chair to the car. She gave him directions on how to fold her chair and he managed to wrestle it into his back seat.

After giving him directions to the local base and giving the guards her ID to let them on base, he found the tiny house that belonged to her and pulled up outside of it. There was more wrestling with the chair and then Rebecca transferred herself again from car to chair.

She pushed herself up the ramp and unlocked the door, inviting Chase inside. He declined, telling her about his paper. She looked interested and asked to read it when it was done. He promised that she could and then he left her alone, closing the door. The click it made sounded so final that Chase felt rattled.

_Hey God, thanks for the test today. I hope I passed, or at least made her feel better. Help Daniel's soul find peace. And find peace for Rebecca too. She's lost and needs you. Just about as badly as I do. _

Chase prayed as he drove off the base and back to his apartment, opening his laptop and finishing his paper without interruption. He got pizza for dinner, tipped the pizza guy, and before he fell into bed, again prayed for Rebecca and Daniel.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own House MD, Chase or Good Charlotte.

Father Connelly looked so professional in his vestaments. Chase always felt more like a bad version of Batman in his clerical robes. He nearly giggled at that thought and then took a deep breath to cleanse his brain for the service ahead. Today they would lay Daniel to rest. Chase hoped Rebecca would be all right. It wasn't as though the Stones were very kind to her. Chase crossed himself and began to pray.

_Hi there God. Today we commit Daniel to your hands. Let him find peace. Help me get through this. I know I'm only here to observe and assist but funerals and death and I have never gotten along. I'd much rather do a Hindu funeral pyre. Although the Stones would probably want to throw Rebecca on it if I did. Sorry, God, that was uncalled for. They lost their only child. Thank You for not having Father Connelly have me assist with much. Help us all get through this trial unscathed. Amen. _

His prayer finished, Chase entered the back of the sanctuary with Father Connelly. Father Connelly sprinkled the casket with Holy Water as well as reaching over to help Rebecca get hers to make a cross on her forehead. Rebecca flinched but whispered a thank you.

_She still feels unworthy. She's still blaming herself for Daniel's death. _

The Stones walked in, along with the pallbearers, once again leaving Rebecca to fend for herself. The organist was coaxing beautiful sounds from the pipe organ while everyone got seated. Chase watched as Rebecca tucked herself into a back corner. Was she feeling like she was in the way? But there was no time to ask.

_Yes, God is here in this place. He will heal us. All of us. _

As he listened to Father Connelly begin the introductory rights, he was glad this wasn't his responsibility yet. Father Connelly's calm, soft, measured Irish brogue brought Chase a comfort.

_If God did have a speaking voice, this would be it. The Prayer of St. Francis. I wonder if this is Rebecca's favorite? _

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is sadness, joy. O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen."

Chase surprised himself with that thought before turning his mind to the opening hymn, Amazing Grace. He'd never been one for singing, preferring to mouth the words he'd known since childhood and observe the congregation from the lectern. Rebecca was still there tucked away in her corner. Her hair still messily pulled back. He thought she may have attempted a bun. He was unsurprised to find her dressed all in black. The pearl buttons on her simple dress stood out. She was still hunched in on herself and Chase wondered if her emerald eyes were still bloodshot or if she'd been sleeping.

"The grace and peace of God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ be with you," Father Connelly said.

"And with your spirit," Chase and the congregation replied.

As they moved on to the liturgy of the Word, Chase prayed for strength. This was his first funeral since his mother had drunk herself to death and he'd been nine at the time. His hands clenched into fists as Peter stepped up to read the scripture. _Calm down Chase, this is only the first reading. _

Peter read, his voice breaking every few words. Chase was unsure how to comfort him. He'd read about it in his seminary books but reading and doing were two different things.

"Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned: for she hath received of the Lord's hand double for all her sins. The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain: And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken voice said, Cry. And he said, What shall I cry? All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field:The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: because the spirit of the Lord bloweth upon it: surely the people is grass. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand forever.O Zion, that bringest good tidings, get thee up into the high mountain; O Jerusalem, that bringest good tidings, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Judah, Behold your God! Behold, the Lord God will come with strong hand, and his arm shall rule for him: behold, his reward is with him, and his work before him. He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young."

_Good job Peter, you made it through. Isaiah 40: 1-11 Nice choice Father. I'm sure you had a hand in helping Peter choose that passage. Hopefully this will be what people need to hear._

"The word of the Lord," Peter declared before going to sit back down next to his distraught wife.

"Thanks be to God," Chase whispered as the congregation also responded. A few people were weeping openly now.

_That went well. Keep it together. The responsorial Psalm is up next and you know the one Father Connelly always chooses to promote healing. You will NOT cry. _

Father Connelly began the twenty-third Psalm and Chase felt like his throat was closing on him. "The Lord is my shepherd."

"I shall not want," the congregation dutifully responded. Chase damned himself for wearing a suit and tie under his robes.

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures," Father Connelly again. Sanity again.

"He leadeth me beside the still waters," the congregation again. Chase mouthed the words. _They're just words. Push back the thoughts of your mum's funeral. You need to be a pillar of strength for those who are grieving. _

"He restoreth my soul," Father Connelly continued.

_As you restored mine. _

"He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake," Chase choked out the words finally.

_Yes, back on track. Thank you Holy Father. And thank you for Father Connelly._

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."

"For thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me," the congregation responded.

_Are You here right now? Of course you are, this is Your house and Daniel was and is Your beloved child. _

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies."

"Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over," the congregation, many of them probably responding from habit Chase was unsure if the words were even touching anyone. Caroline Stone was openly sobbing against her husband Peter's chest.

_My cup runneth over with sins. Maybe I need confession later._

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

_Of course goodness and mercy will follow you Father. You're one of God's anointed. _

"And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever," the congregation finished.

_Will I? Or will I be condemned to purgatory or Hell? Don't think about that now. Just listen to Father Connelly and wait for your turn to assist._

Caroline got up to read. Trying, and failing, to keep herself together; Chase's heart broke for the woman who had lost her son. She took a deep breath and began,

"Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him. The word which God sent unto the children of Israel, preaching peace by Jesus Christ: (he is Lord of all:) That word, I say, ye know, which was published throughout all Judaea, and began from Galilee, after the baptism which John preached; How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him. And we are witnesses of all things which he did both in the land of the Jews, and in Jerusalem; whom they slew and hanged on a tree: Him God raised up the third day, and shewed him openly; Not to all the people, but unto witnesses chosen before God, even to us, who did eat and drink with him after he rose from the dead. And he commanded us to preach unto the people, and to testify that it is he which was ordained of God to be the Judge of quick and dead. To him give all the prophets witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins."

'_Whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins.' Are you listening Rebecca? God will forgive you. None of it was your fault. There was nothing you could have done differently. And at least you and Daniel loved each other. There was nothing I could do for my mum either, but she didn't want help in any case. I'm not sure she or dad even know how to love me. All I know is God loves me. And he loves you too. _

"The word of the Lord," Caroline whispered.

"Thanks be to God," everyone responded

_There we go Robert. Just breathe. Gospel reading up next, you will make it through this._

Rick, Daniel's best friend, read the next bit in a rush, almost as though he just wanted the words out and over with. "And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him."

"The Lord be with you." Father Connelly was still a pillar of strength. 

"And with your spirit," the congregation responded. 

"A reading from the Holy Gospel according to John. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." Father Connelly didn't need his Bible for that one.

"Glory to you, O Lord," the congregation responded again.

_Well at least no one can fall asleep during the mass. _

"The Gospel of the Lord," Father Connelly's voice brought Chase out of his own thoughts. 

"Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ."

_And thank you for not letting me make an idiot of myself. __Liturgy of the Eucharist. This is where most people receive the absolution that you, Father Connelly, God and Jesus grant. _

"Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation, for through your goodness we have received the bread we offer you: fruit of the earth and work of human hands. It will become for us the bread of life," Father Connelly began the rites.

"Blessed be God forever."

"Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation, for through your goodness we have received the wine we offer you: fruit of the vine and work of human hands. It will become our spiritual drink." 

"Blessed be God forever."

"Let us pray with confidence to the Father in the words our Savior gave us," Father Connelly gently directed and every head bowed. The Lord's Prayer was not something to be taken lightly. Then again, none of this was.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, they will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

Chase didn't; couldn't, think about the words right now._ Too many sins and nothing would ever wash him clean. He was unworthy, but Father Connelly had faith in him, so maybe he should in himself too?  
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"Deliver us, Lord, from every evil and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all turmoil as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ."

_If anyone could bring about peace on earth it would be Father Connelly. _

"For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are Yours - now and forever," Chase and the congregation finished the prayer, Chase adding an internal amen.

Chase was relieved that the Stones didn't want to pass the peace. He always felt like he needed a supersized bottle of hand sanitizer under the lectern so that he didn't get someone else's germs.

_Okay Robert, Communion, this is your moment to assist. _

"Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world: have mercy on us. Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world: have mercy on us. Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world: grant us peace," the congregation started the rite.

"Behold the Lamb of God, behold him who takes away the sins of the world. Blessed are those called to the supper of the Lamb," Father Connelly sounded so reassuring.

"Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed," Chase and the congregation responded.

_The liturgy is right. I'm not worthy._

Panis Angelicus, one bread, one body, perfect for communion. Chase enjoyed the Latin.

As the hymn was sung by the choir, the people came forward one by one to get communion at the alter rail. The deacons assisted Father Connelly and Chase with the wafers and wine chalices. The congregation formed two lines and Chase murmured, over and over again "The body and blood of Christ, broken and shed for you. Take and eat."

Rebecca pushed herself forward locking her chair a few feet from the alter rail. Chase was about to step down and bring her the wafer and chalice but she shook her head. Slowly, she lifted herself out of her chair and just as slowly inched her legs downwards.

_Dear God, she's not going to kneel at the alter rail is she? Yes, she is. Jesus, how did she do that? That's got to be killing her. _

Rebecca bit her lip in concentration, starting the blood flowing from her cracked lips again and her knees touched the floor in front of the alter rail.

"My penance, Father," she whispered softly.

Chase was unsure if she was talking to him or to God but he once again recited, "The body and blood of Christ, broken and shed for you. Take and eat. Your sins are forgiven." He placed the wafer on her tongue, now aware of her bloodshot, tear-filled eyes and her still bleeding lips. The wine would sting her lips, he realized, lifting the chalice to her lips and giving her a sip of the sacramental wine. She winced slightly and Chase pulled back, lifting the cup from her lips and wiping the rim to receive the next parishioner.

_I wonder why no one feels the need to ingest antibiotics. God, take away her pain and suffering. Make her feel as though she's been granted absolution. _

"Thank you, Robert," she whispered, before once again lifting herself into her chair.

Lifting herself wasn't easy and Chase could see the beads of sweat break out on her forehead. He longed to take her into his arms and lift her himself. She couldn't be much over a hundred pounds. With one last push of her arms, she sat herself back into her chair, breathing a sigh of relief and buckling her seat belt before pushing herself back to her seat.

Ave Maria was meant for reflection but it was all Chase could do not to cry out. For some reason this song got to him more than the others. His throat felt tight and he willed himself not to pass out or cry.

The eulogies came next and Daniel's mother and father both gave one as well as his best friend since childhood, Rick. They all said the same thing, how wonderful Daniel had been. A good friend, a good son, a good husband, Chase remembered privately Daniel's arms full of books and his sunny smile as he chatted a bit with the bored work study students who checked out the books. Chase was surprised that Rebecca kept her own counsel and didn't say anything about her husband.

_Finally the concluding rites. It's almost over._

"Receive his soul and present him to God the most high," Chase and the congregation said.

"The Lord be with you," Father Connelly again. 

"And with your spirit," Chase and everyone responded. 

"May almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit," Father Connelly sounded so reassuring. Chase almost felt nine years old again. 

"Amen," everyone said.

On Eagles Wings was the last hymn. Chase loved that one. For some reason it reminded him of Ireland although he'd never been and he was too busy to figure out his brain right now.

"And He will raise you up on eagles' wings. Bear you on the breath of dawn. Make you to shine like the sun. And hold you in the palm of His hand."

_It's over. It's finally over. Just the graveside to attend now and then you'll be done. Thank You God for helping me through this._

Chase didn't look as the pallbearers carried the casket out of the sanctuary. The family followed. But suddenly there was a high-pitched, keening grief wail that refused to be silenced. It took Chase a few seconds to figure out that the sound was coming from Rebecca. As soon as he figured it out, she pitched forward into a faint only held into her chair by the grace of God and her seatbelt. Chase left the alter, hurrying to her side to feel for a pulse. Rebecca's emerald eyes, with ruby running through them, opened meeting Chase's ocean blue ones.

"Are you all right?" Chase asked her, even though the answer was obvious.

"No. Daniel's dead." Her voice was dead, emotionless.

"Do you need water?"

"Yes, please."

Chase again helped her drink the water when he got back with the cup. The family was leaving for the graveside service. Today the Stones were icy but not outwardly hostile and they allowed Rebecca to go to the graveside with them.

Father Connelly recited the Kyrie as Daniel's casket was lowered into the ground. Once Daniel was laid to rest and the Marines presented Caroline and Rebecca both with casket flags.

_Thank God for Father Connelly. _

Rebecca cradled her flag as though it was a baby while Caroline hugged hers, crushing it to her, the last bit of her son.

Chase offered Rebecca a ride home and this time she accepted without hesitating. As he drove to the base, he turned off his Good Charlotte CD, surprised when she switched it back on.

"Leave it. I like it. It's old, but I like it. I didn't know anyone used CDs anymore."

Chase just nodded, smiling to himself as she began to first mouth the words and then sing softly to herself, barely a whisper until the last chorus.

"Oh my love, please don't cry. I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life. I don't know much at all. I don't know wrong from right; all I know is that I love you tonight. Tonight."

_You are mourning the death of your bloody valentine, aren't you Rebecca? I'm so sorry. _

Chase stopped the car in front of her house and was just about to get her chair when Rebecca placed her hand on his. "Will you pray with me, Robert?"

_Dear God, please don't let me sound like an idiot._

"Holy Father, bless Rebecca. Grant her Your peace and allow Daniel to rest in Your arms. Be with them both. Now and forever. Amen."

"Amen. Thank you, Robert."

"Anytime."

After Chase got her inside, he went back to his apartment and finally stripped down to a tank top and boxer shorts.

_Thanks God for being there today. Help Rebecca and the Stones continue to cope and heal. Grant them Your peace and show them Your love. Amen_

His prayer said; he collapsed in front of the TV, not knowing or caring what he was watching. That night, he fell asleep on his couch.


End file.
